WASHINGTON—Saying that being confined in such a volatile environment was known to have devastating psychological repercussions, FBI officials reported Wednesday that Ohio man Patrick Kinsey had apparently become radicalized during his 18 years spent inside of the U.S. Congress. “We’ve uncovered evidence that leads us to believe this elected official became heavily influenced by hardline extremists and religious fanatics during his time serving in the country’s legislative branch,” said FBI spokesperson Irene Jessup, adding that the representative appeared to have fallen in with a powerful fundamentalist faction during his first days in the congressional chamber and quickly adopted their strict interpretation of a fringe ideology. “While he may have arrived as a seemingly ordinary moderate, we believe he’s been completely indoctrinated in this rigid mindset and is currently recruiting others to join him and take up radical causes. At this time, his worldview has become so narrowed that he responds to any outside beliefs with apocalyptic rhetoric and by making grandiose threats.”
BALTIMORE—Calling it an emergency measure designed to ensure public safety and order, Baltimore officials held a press conference Wednesday urging all residents to stay indoors until the natural evolution of social progress takes shape over the next century.
Rather than discussing policy issues they feel strongly about, U.S. voters spoke instead of their desire to just put someone in the White House capable of getting America through the next four years of increased income inequality, environmental degradation, and catastrophic international entanglements with some shred of its dignity intact.